I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
