I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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