some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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