Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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