I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
