Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
