You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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