Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
