not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
