I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
