she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
3 2 1 whiskey
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
