Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
