Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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