News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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