seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize