Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
