I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
