Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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