I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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