There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
