ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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