rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
