I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
