It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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