we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Less talking, more tequila
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
