yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
