you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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