i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
