When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
