you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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