I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize