i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
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