at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
