If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
