i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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