You're completely useless in the revolution.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
