I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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