Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
