so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
