Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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