Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
