The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
how drunk are you?
Several
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
