i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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