Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize