i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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