I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Duck Duck Cougar?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
