I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
