i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
