Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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