My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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