it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
