Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize