Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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