My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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