I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize