mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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