walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
