Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
