I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
