she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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