The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
