so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize