Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
