My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
